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Tuesday, July 12, 2005

Confession Time


"The tools I need for my work are paper, tobacco, food, and a little whiskey."--William Faulkner (1897-1962)

"Tobacco, coffee, alcohol, hashish, prussic acid, strychnine, are weak dilutions; the surest poison is time. "--Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803-1882)

Okay, so I thought I'd come out and admit to blogdom that I am a complete and utter jackass. A few months ago, in the midst of my stress over the job situation, I started smoking cigarettes again. I've been smoking on and off since I was about 14 or so. I've quit several times for at least six months at a time, but I always find myself drawn back in. This was just about the worst "re-starting" of all the times I restarted. I quit for over three years this time, but as soon as I had one, it was all over.

I always find it easy to stop completely for long periods of time, but when I smoke cigarettes, I smoke a LOT of cigarettes. For me there is no middle ground between being a non-smoker and being a chain smoker. I wish I could enjoy a cigarette every now and then, but that's just never going to happen.

Yeah, I know, starting again was dumb, but I've actually been enjoying it--and I mean , really really really enjoying it. Nobody ever talks about the positive effects of smoking, but people wouldn't keep doing it it wasn't enjoyable. I tend to suck them down pretty quickly, but for those two or three minutes I fall into a deep meditation. It's a perfect time to sit and think, and to make sense of things. I think it had a postive effect on my brain in a time of utter stress and confusion.

But I digress, because I still really hate cigarettes (though of course I still love them). They're disgusting, unhealthy, addictive, and you know the rest. I'm determined to quit again pretty soon, since I don't have the job hunt stress as an excuse anymore. I plan to enjoy it for a couple more weeks, and I'll stop when I feel ready. I'm not ready today, that's for sure. More to come on this, as I'll probably be grumpy and having nicotine fits. It should make for some quality ranting, at any rate.

(Okay, okay, fine. I'll tentatively promise to quit after I pass the license exam, but I refuse to feel guilty if I end up waiting a little bit longer :-P)

posted by Skrambled Egghead Reborn @ 8:15 PM

5 Comments:

I can identify. Cigarettes and I are directly linked to the level of stress in my life. Waiting a few more weeks to try quitting or cutting back sounds wise. Since your body identifies it as a stress reliever, it would not be in your best interest to change that before your test.

By Blogger LiVEwiRe, at 12:05 AM  

Im' quite the chain smoker myself, but without teh nice long smoke-free breaks. My longest "quit" was four months, quit twice for six weeks, several times for juts a week, and many times I've only lasted a couple of days. I too am a chain smoker. But 3 years off should buy you a feww weeks of smoking shouldn't it? Spoken like an addict!

By Blogger I'm not even supposed to be here today, at 3:01 PM  

Ah Skrambly, well- sorry to hear you've picked it up again, but I agree with Livewire, that it's a good plan to wait until AFTER your exam to quit..
I know in my state (not sure how many others) people are trying to petition to get smoking banned in all public buildings or somesuch. It may just be public governmental buildings, I'm not really sure- and I don't have the volition to look it up myself. Anyway, it sounds pretty ridiculous. And that was your random comment of the day. Heh, hope your studies are going well.

By Blogger Hans the Destroyer, at 3:25 PM  

Hello.....I found you thru Ostrichspeaks blog...:)

I feel for you...I quit smoking for almost TEN years. Then (around year ten) we went on vacation with some friends, started drinking and POW, next thing I know I've got a beer in one hand and a cigarette in the other. It's a VERY easy habit to fall back into...plus I've always LOVED to smoke....*sigh*

By Blogger Stacy The Peanut Queen, at 8:50 AM  

Stacy, welcome to the blog. I've seen your name on a few friends' blogs before. I love smoking too, and I hate it.. I am such a fiend.

By Blogger Skrambled Egghead Reborn, at 5:24 PM  

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