Final Post of 2004
Well, this is it folks. The last day of 2004. This year was a total blur, and I can't believe it's over already. Still, my life has changed so much over the last 365 days (including the extra day for leap year but not including today). Shit, now that I think about it, a lot of stuff happened this year.
A year ago I was in a relationship which was the best thing to happen in my life for a long time. I spent the first part of the year moving 150 miles from home to be close to her. I found a shitty apartment, then a job, then a better apartment, then a slightly better job. At right about the midpoint of the year, the relationship ended (much to my dismay), and I sort of went into a downward spiral for a while.
I was utterly destroyed, and I haven't fully recovered to this day. Things gradually get easier, but it still hurts sometimes. She and I have managed to remain good friends, and as time has passed since the relationship ended, we have come to know one another on a much deeper level than when we were together. A good friendship is a wonderful thing (and extremely rare in my life of late). Of course I've made no secret of my persisting desire for it to be something more, but oh well.
I haven't the slightest idea of what this next year will bring, but I have high hopes. Some resolutions:
1. Start working out again and get back into shape.
2. Find a better job, doing what I enjoy, making more money.
3. Pay down some of my ridiculous credit card debt.
4. Have a lot of sex.
5. Fall in love again.
6. Get a better place to live where I can have a cat and no roommate who's allergic.
7. Attain inner peace.
8. Attain world peace.
Okay, methinks that is enough resolutions for one year. Tomorrow I am off to New York City to celebrate New Year's Eve with some of my old friends from college. I'll have my new digital camera with me, so when I return I will have some great pics to share.
Happy New Year to everyone!
The Horror
In a
post last week I included the following quote from Mary Riddell of the Guardian which bears repeating: "All tragedies have a fulcrum on which horror tilts over to indifference."
According to the
most recent reports, over 77,000 people in Asia were killed by massive tsunamis triggered by an earthquake. It is so hard to fathom that many people dying at once. The enormity of it makes it hard to grasp what actually happened.
The early reports were that 20,000 had died, and I have to say that I don't feel much different about it now that the number has quadrupled. I do feel terrible about it, but the numbers are so staggering that it is hard to know how to react. If the early numbers had said that a hundred died, and then they found out that it was four hundred, it would almost be easier to comprehend and feel sympathy. I do feel bad about it, but I feel like I can't feel bad enough in proportion to the tragedy.
Not to be all Heavan's Gatey or anything, but this really might be a sign that the end of the world is near. We are all going to die!!! (Well, I guess we were all going to die at some point anyways, but now it seems that we are all going to die soon...and violently...and painfully.)
On a totally unrelated matter, I would like to expound on a
9/11 conspiracy theory (that link goes to a site containing many ideas I disagree with, but the article is well written). In a speech last week, Donald Rumsfeld referred to, "the people who attacked the United States in New York, shot down the plane over Pennsylvania and attacked the Pentagon." Was Flight 93 shot down?
I was always suspicious of Flight 93, which supposedly crashed in Pennsylvania on September 11, 2001 after passengers overpowered the hijackers. I remember thinking that day that it must have been shot down. The government was quick to claim that the heroic passengers helped bring the plane down, and we were given the line "Let's roll!" as a rally call to fight the terrorists.
It makes sense that the government would want to make the public feel like we could fight back and stop such terrorist attacks, so I can't say that I blame them for lying. The timing of Rumsfeld's "slip of the tongue" is curious though. Rumsfeld has been
under fire from Democrats and Republicans for weeks now due to his poor planning of the war in Iraq. My theory is that he intentionally let it slip as a warning to the President and others in positions of power that he has information which he could use to expose the administration if they tried to fire him. Bush can't fire him, because he knows too much about the lies perpetrated on the American people. At least that makes more sense than Bush being too dumb to see what a horrible job Rummy has done.
Okay, that's it for conspiracy theories and apocalyptic omens for today. If I have time, I will return later with something more positive.
A Sigh of Relief
It is such a wonderful feeling to have Christmas out of the way. Pretty soon we won't be hearing any more of that goddamn holiday music (of course, there's always a few stores and radio stations that play Jinle Bells well into February). Building up to Christmas is so stressful. I always worry that I won't be able to afford to buy presents for anyone, then somehow I find the money (or credit) at the last minute to get some small gifts. Everything worked out and I had a great day with the family.
I got a digital camera from my parents, so pretty soon I'll be posting all kinds of wonderful pictures. However, I left the software that came with it at my parents house, so I can't post any pictures until my father mails the CD to me. I also got a nice winter jacket that I can use for skiing, and a few other odds and ends. I never really expect much for Christmas, seeing as my parents are cheaper than Ebenezer Scrooge, but this year they did okay.
I am not quite so mad at Mary as I was at the end of last week. I just really hate being deceived, even if it was in the past. I still love her so much, so I forgave her and didn't give her the silent treatment like I was planning on doing. Maybe I should have, but I'm a sucker for her lucky, pretty eyes.
Merry Christmas
Insert Creative Title Here
Just a quick word for today. I'm down in CT at the parent's place. I've been too busy running around today to write anything substantial at the moment. As usual, I put off all of my Christmas shopping off until the day before. I made the mistake of going to Walmart today, which was an absolute nightmare. I was just trying to find a toy for my nephew, but all the shelves were picked clean already. There were only a few crappy toys left that no kid would want (not to mention the fact that my niece and nephew are spoiled and have every toy on earth, so I have to make sure not to get them one they have already). Maybe next year I'll get everything done before the last minute. Probably not though.
Okay, I'm off to my aunt's house for my family's annual drunken Christmas Eve party. This should be interesting. Tomorrow I will be getting a digital camera as a present, so this boring, mostly imageless blog will soon have all kinds of pictures on it. Yay!
Goodnight to all, and to all a good night.
now does our world descend
---------by ee cummings
now does our world descend
the path to nothingness
(cruel now cancels kind;
friends turn to enemies)
therefore lament,my dream
and don a doer's doom
create is now contrive;
imagined,merely know
(freedom:what makes a slave)
therefore,my life,lie down
and more by most endure
all that you never were
hide,poor dishonoured mind
who thought yourself so wise;
and much could understand
concerning no and yes:
if they've become the same
it's time you unbecame
where climbing was and bright
is darkness and to fall
(now wrong's the only right
since brave are cowards all)
therefore despair,my heart
and die into the dirt
but from this endless end
of briefer each our bliss--
where seeing eyes go blind
(where lips forget to kiss)
where everything's nothing
--arise,my soul;and sing
Additions To This Blog
I had some spare time to play around with my blog today. I added Buzzflash headlines, as well as a Quizilla quiz. I just hope the Thought Police don't kick my doors in for having Buzzflash on my page.
"Here comes a candle to light you to bed. Here comes a chopper to chop off your head."
"Humankind cannot bear very much reality."
--------T.S. Eliot
I came across this quote when reading a
column written by Mary Riddell for the Guardian (U.K.). I tried to find the source of the quote, but didn't have much luck. I tried Googling it, but it seems that a million people used it without any idea of what piece of writing from T.S. Eliot it comes from (or if it was actually spoken by him somewhere). I'm sure I could find it if I looked hard enough, but I'm just too lazy at the moment, so there. (If anyone reading this knows, please tell me).
At any rate, one of the points Riddell was making is that people have become desensitized to the violence in our world, and it is reflected in the media. Riddell says, "All tragedies have a fulcrum on which horror tilts over to indifference. " The news focuses on trivial things like Scott Peterson or Desperate Housewives while there are truly horrible things happening every day.
I'm not saying that it's a conspiracy to keep the public uninformed, though certain news sources -- read: Fox News -- are just blatant propaganda. People have a threshold for dealing with their fears and their natural revulsion to the horrors of war. At a certain point, the public starts tuning out all of the bad news. For this reason, the media has a tendency to stick with stories that will keep people's attention.
One story which people here in America have stopped paying attention to is the whole issue of torture. I'm not trying to make this my pet issue, but I said in a
post a month ago that I thought Rumsfeld should have resigned for instituting policies of torture which resulted in the prisoner absuse scandal (see how the media turned the word torture into a euphimism: prisoner abuse??). Now many people are
calling for his resignation because he didn't make sure that the troops have enough armor. I would have preferred to see someone held accountable for the torture thing, but as long as someone in this administration is held accountable for something, I guess I would be happy.
Why have I not heard any mainstream media sources reporting on this
press release from the ACLU? The headline is "FBI E-Mail Refers to Presidential Order Authorizing Inhumane Interrogation Techniques". According to this report, the order for toture came from the top, the president himself. How are we supposed to have credibility in the world as we go about spreading freedom and democracy? Where is the outrage? Anyone???
Back to the Grind
I am back at work after my weekend trip. I've been insanely busy and stressed out all day, but I guess it's better than being bored. I had a great weekend. As expected, Mary wasn't even close to being ready on time. We got out the door a little over an hour later than I had planned (but since I planned on her running late, I didn't get too pissed off).
We went skiing on Saturday, and I did okay considering that I haven't been skiing for a couple of years. I did fall once pretty hard and I sprained my wrist, but I seem to be recovering from the injury (I can almost grasp a pen and write without agonizing pain again). Mary got off to a slow start, but she did really well once she got her confidence back (it had been at least five years since she had been skiing). My body is still very sore, though, because I am really out of shape.
I am starting to stress out about Christmas. As usual, I have put off all of my shopping until the week before, so now I have to deal with the mobs at the mall this week. I hate Christmas. Bah fucking humbug, I say. I think I'll be getting a digital camera from my parents though, so I'll be posting a lot more pictures here in the future.
That's it for now, I need to get back to work. If it slows down here today I will be back with a political rant (or something like that).
The Art of Looking Busy
I am officially going crazy at the moment. Work has been insanely slow all day, and I'm just trying to make the last few minutes of the day go by a little more quickly by writing here. After work I'm off to Vermont for the weekend. I'm going skiing at
Okemo tomorrow, so that should be cool. I haven't been skiing for two years, and before that it was at least a couple of years. I don't have any health insurance at the moment, so I have to try extra hard not to break a leg.
Mary (the object of my unrequited love), is going with me, so at least I won't be lonely. I have to pick her up after work, and I just know she's not going to be ready when I get there. What is it with women and never being ready on time? We have a three hour drive ahead of us, so I'm hoping she has her shit together for once.
That's it for now. I will be blogging from Vermont, so I will have more to write later on.
How Convenient
Today's news is that Sen. Joseph Lieberman has
rejected offers from the Bush administration to head the Homeland Security Department. How convenient for Bush that according to the Seventeenth Amendment, the governor of the state that the senator represents gets to appoint his replacement. Of course, the republican governor of Connecticut
would likely select a republican (registration may be required for that link) if he were to take the position.
However, Lieberman acts like such a republican that it probably wouldn't make a difference. He was one of the fools in the senate who
led the rush to war in Iraq. He not only supported the Iraq resolution, he co-sponsored it. He has always been quick to express support for the president in times when we needed him to act like a member of the opposition party. He is also more pro-censorship than most republicans out there.
Still, the republicans have enough of a majority in the Senate now to push through all kinds of bills that will hurt the middle class. Even if he votes and acts like a republican, the democrats still need him.
What's Wrong With This Picture?
Dan Rather was just closing the news with a
story about an amputee dolphin who was just given a prosthetic fin. He closed the story by saying something like, "It looks like Fuji got her groove back." I could tell he was just dying inside as he said it. People Dan Rather's age have no business trying to say stuff like that. It's like hearing Katie Couric use the term
bling bling in a fashion segment (I was subjected to that line yesterday morning).
...more to come...
The Spine Melter 2000
Hmmmm...what to write about...Not too much going on today. I spent most of the day worrying about how much money I'd have to spend to fix my car, which I brought to the shop tonight. I've spent so much money on fixing cars that I've owned in the past. I always think the mechanic is trying to rip me off. You just have to take his word for it when he tells you how much it costs to fix it. What choice to you have when he ends up telling you it'll cost $600? What are you going to say, that you don't need your car?
I've had really good luck with this car so far, so I freak out when anything goes wrong with it. This time wasn't too expensive, though, so I guess I was lucky. Since it didn't cost what I thought it would, I ended up buying a seat cushion with an incredible back massager and heating pad built in. My car doesn't have built-in seat warmers (which are fucking incredible when it's ridicilously cold), so this has that, plus a really good massage thingy built in. I tried it in the store and had to get it. I'll be thoroughly enjoying it my 35 minute commute this winter.
Other than that, not much to talk about. I'm stressed out as hell, as is normal in the goddam holiday season, but I am looking forward to the coming year. I plan on making it a good one. I'm kicking it off in New York City with some old friends. NYC is one of the best possible places to be for New Year's Eve (provided that nothing bad happens, of course, but I refuse to live my life in fear). I can guarantee that I'll have at least a few stories to tell after that weekend.
Okay. That's it for today.
Sorry Mary, I had to steal this from your page
Mood Swings
The weather in New England is known to be ever-changing, and often extreme in its aspects. We have brutally cold and snowy winters, and sticky, disgustingly hot and humid summers. We also have days where the weather is just beautiful. The effect that the weather has on the disposition of the average New Englander is undeniable, especially in my case. My moods are in as much a state of constant flux as the weather itself.
In my last post you could probably tell that I was just about scraping bottom. I'm doing much better now and have reconciled some of the issues I was having the other day. Every so often I feel the need to completely lose my shit and fall into a pit of despondancy. While it isn't pleasant, such moments can lead to great insights into my life.
Things are never as dark as they seem during times of depression, but they also are rarely as good as they seem when things are going well. Such is life in the world of the skrambled one.
...more to come later...
Jilted
-----By Slyvia Plath
My thoughts are crabbed and sallow,
My tears like vinegar,
Or the bitter blinking yellow
Of an acetic star.
Tonight the caustic wind, love,
Gossips late and soon,
And I wear the wry-faced pucker of
The sour lemon moon.
While like an early summer plum,
Puny, green, and tart,
Droops upon its wizened stem
My lean, unripened heart.
= Me.
Oh yeah, you can tell I'm in a positive mood. I am an emotional masochist, plain and simple. Why else would I throw everything out the window----defenestrate, if you will----the comfort and stability I knew before by moving 150 miles to be with a woman who's love could turn cold so quickly? It seemed like the right thing to do early on. Everything seemed so right. Now, here I am: away from my family, away from my friends, away from my life as I knew it. Yet, after all the crap she's put me through, I continue to pine for her. How could I be such a sucker?
Bah. I had better stop for today, this isn't helping. Tomorrow I will try to write something positive.
RIP Dimebag Darrell Abbott
It's been a few days since I've written here. I think I jinxed myself by saying that work has been too slow lately, because I've been swamped all week. Plus, I've been going over to Mary's house to cook her dinner every night this week, so I haven't had time to write.
In today's news, some asshole killed the former guitarist for Pantera as he played with his band, Damageplan, in Ohio last night. The shooter killed three other people as well before he himself was shot dead by a police officer.
I was never all that into heavy metal music, but as a testament to my diverse musical tastes in my youth, I did see Pantera in concert once in 1994 at an arena in Winston-Salem, North Carolina. Back then I was into a schizophrenic mix of the Grateful Dead/Phish, House/Techno/Acid, Nirvana/Pearl Jam/Tool, and whatever else was fun to party to, including Pantera.
I was a freshman at a small college near Greensboro, NC when I saw them play. I went to the show with a few upperclassmen football players (one of whom was a guy from my hometown in Connecticut who I went to high school with). We had an insanely good time at the show. We drank and smoked heavily first, as I was known to do back in those days, and arrived at the show just as Pharcyde (the opening act) was wrapping up their set.
The floor was general admission, but it had filled up and security wouldn't let anyone else down there. The guys I was with were determined to get to the floor, so we waited near the long, steep staircase leading down. Within minutes, I found myself in a sea of people bulldozing over the security personell trying to block the stairs. I didn't have any choice but to go with the flow, as I would have been trampled by the mob.
I was pretty much sliding head first down these stairs on top of other people, and then I looked back and saw a security guard about two inches away from grabbing me. All of a sudden, someone had grabbed the back of my shirt and was dragging me in the opposite direction. I suddenly found myself being dragged about 100 feet across the floor by a kind stranger and was safely away from security.
We ended up being in the very front row at a show where there must have been 20,000 people. There was a crazy mosh pit, but somehow it seemed like most people were being as friendly as any hippie-ass Dead show I'd ever been to (except the dancing is just a little more violent and there are a few more psychos). The show had such a high energy, positive vibe, even though some people might think the music sounds negative, or evil, or whatever.
I haven't thought about that show in years. Funny how a brutal muder can stir up memories of the past. What a fucking shitty world we live in.
...I shall write more later about other things...
Lesson For the Day
"Kids, you tried your best, and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try."
--Homer Simpson
...and Elswhere a Skeksi Turns to Dust
I was just perusing the headlines and I came across
this one stating that the oldest person in America passed away at age 114. (It said she lived a wholesome life, which doesn't bode well for my prospects at longevity). For some reason, it made me think of the Dark Crystal and how when one of the wise old mystics died, one of the creepy, evil Skeksis would die at the same time. She seems like a sweet old woman, so I was picturing a horrible, rotten old man dying simulaneously, perhaps something like this:
.
In other news, the Bush administration is continuing its assault on America's credibility in the world (what little is left of it)as it insists that there is nothing wrong with using
evidence obtained through torture in trying accused terrorists. Maybe I'm just old fashioned, but I don't think America should be instituting policies of torture. If they have to torture someone to stop an attack, then I guess that's okay as long as it isn't policy and no one gets caught doing it. I expect the CIA and others to use such tactics in secret, but it really hurts America when our government tries to justify such horrible policy.
A Louise Bourgeois spider.
Blogger Issues
In case anyone was wondering, the stats on profiles haven't been updated. I noticed mine hadn't changed for a while. This is only one of several glitches and errors I've run into recently. I know other people have had the same issues with goddam steenking blogger (lost text, freezeups, error messages, etc.). There may be hope though.
I just found this info on the help screen:
Known Issues
This is a list of currently-known Blogger bugs/issues (and workarounds, if available). We hope to fix all of them in time, so thanks for your continued patience!
· Stats collection has been temporarily turned off, so you will not see your post count increasing on your dashboard or profile. We plan to restore this functionality in the short term but have needed to stop collecting the information for now in order to stabilize the database servers.
· Republishing an entire blog will sometimes get stuck part way through and not finish, though new entries can still be published normally. We are working on improving the database performance to fix this error
The Awkwardness of it All
Well, it looks like yet another slow day at the office. I guess I should consider myself lucky that I have my own office and can get away with blogging for hours on end, but I am getting bored of surfing the internet. This morning was pretty busy, but all is quiet at the moment.
I'm kind of in a weird situation. I was brought in for this job as a temp, as the person I was supposed to be filling in for is a sergeant in the army reserves. He expected to get called up to serve in Iraq (or Afghanistan, or wherever our next war is). It's been four months and he still hasn't gotten the call. I do pretty much everything he used to do---answering phones, helping customers, scheduling, all the paperwork, and about 800 other random duties. I have no idea what he even does anymore. I'm sure he does something, but it's a mystery.
At this point he doesn't know if or when he'll get the call. In the meantime, they have to keep both of us working even though there isn't always enough work to go around. They've said they don't want to lose me, so we're just kind of in a holding pattern in case he does get called up (and he will, since Bush was "re-elected" and will likely be starting a new war soon).
The thing is, to put it in militaristic terms, I am occupying his office now. He's taken up residence at a cramped cubicle out in the lobby while I work in the corner office. He's been there for years, so it feels really strange. I overheard an older man who works there say to him, "Didn't that used to be your office?" He replied with a "yup," but I could hear a touch of anger in his voice.
I have usurped much of his power, and I think he's started to resent me because of it. He used to talk to me, but now he just kind of ignores me. We don't have a whole lot to talk about, so I'm stuck dealing with the awkward silences. I'm sure he knows that they need me there for when he does get the call, but I can tell he wishes I was gone. I'm sure the uncertainty is hard as hell on him, since he could get the call any day.
I don't know, maybe he figured out that I'm a liberal and that I don't believe the war has been handled well. I made a comment once indicating my feelings on the matter and ever since then things have been different. (uh oh, I sense another political rant coming on...) Some military people think you need to support whatever our leaders decide, right or wrong, in order to care about the troops (and incidentally, I'm really sick of the word troops...What a dumb fucking word). My personal belief is that if you "support the troops" (again with that fucking word), you should want them to live, or if life must be lost you should want it to be for a worthwhile cause.
If Bush tried to sell us the war by saying "We're going to bring freedom and democracy to the Middle East," we would have told him he was off his rocker. He knew we wouldn't have bought it, so he sold the war to us based on non-existent
weapons of mass destruction and non-existent ties to Al-Qaida.
I'm not saying that the people of the Middle East don't want or couldn't achieve democracy. I'm just saying that there is no fucking way that we will be able to impose it upon them. Everything we touch over there will be poisoned, and there will continue to be a growing number of people determined to prevent us from winning. I hope I'm wrong about that, I really do.
At any rate, I wasn't planning on going off on a political rant, but whoops, I did. The whole thing hits home really hard when you know someone who could be sent to fight in a war at the drop of a hat. He's a great guy and I know he'll do his job as a soldier well, but I just hope to God he doesn't have to go there.
While we're on the subject of Iraq, I like to point out that America lost 135 soldiers in the month of November.
Here is the list. Most of the dead were younger than 25 years old. (Of course we have no idea how many thousands of insurgents, and tens of thousands of innocent civilians have been killed.) It's a bloodbath. Oh yeah, and now we have to send
more troops and extend tours for
10,000 soldiers.
It's all very disturbing to think about. Maybe that's why so many people try not to think about it. At the moment I don't claim to have any solutions for this mess, but I think it's important for people to open their eyes and recognize this war for what it is, and what it could become if poor decisions continue to be made by our leaders.
Okay, now I'm done.
